About Me
My name is Cheryl Louise. I grew up in the UK but currently living in Sydney, Australia. I have consciously been on a Twin Flame Awakening Journey for the past 7 years. However, in some respects, on reflection, I feel like I have been on this journey since birth, I just wasn't cognitively aware of it.
My parents split up when I was around 4 years old and divorced a few years later. I was deeply impacted by this, that I fully believe, neither myself or my parents realized at the time. I am still trying to establish exactly what happened within me but I believe I either lost connection to part of myself in that process or intentionally disconnected from it in order to survive at the time. When we are young children, we see our parents as God, our primary caretakers whom we depend on for everything. When my parents separated it was like God left me in a way, or so my child self interpreted. The energies that created me divided externally and my foundation cracked beneath me and I felt like I no longer had a secure foundation. My root chakra damaged at a very young age. The parental union container that was supposed to keep me safe shattered. As an adult I understand that merely a relationship/marriage broke down and separation was probably better than growing up in a toxic environment with 2 people that hated each other but as a 4 year old it felt like my world fell apart. What do you mean Dad won't be here anymore?!? I'm not sure if I was collateral damage and this external separation impacted me in creating created an internal division or if I internalized what happened and thought I had to divide my inner self to match my parents separation. Either way, I felt somewhat strung out between my parents and not fully seen or taken care of by either side, despite the best of intentions, particularly on my mother's side. My mum became my primary caretaker, along with the assistance of my grandparents and I cannot fault her for ever failing to meet my survival needs. I always had a roof over my head and food in my belly. However, I feel like there has always been a void of emotional connection and a compromising of who I am to fit in with who she wanted me to be or thought I should be based on her own life experience and beliefs. I want to live a life that she believes is somewhat unsafe or won't provide security. I think my 'flying by the seat of my pants' and always desiring to live outside of the box creates friction with everything she knows and how she has chosen to live her life. So yea there is an aspect of me that has always felt unseen, unacknowledged and unsupported by my mother. I know this is not her intention but I feel like she doesn't support that side of herself and then, by extension, doesn't support it in me or probably doesn't know how to. However, we can always choose to see the silver lining in negative experiences. I feel like in not supporting these aspects of me she taught me how to support them for myself and strengthened my ability to be there for myself and back myself, in a way that I perhaps wouldn't have had I received a lot of that from her externally. Additionally, her rejection of my father made me feel like I had to also reject him and I would be scolded for being like him as a child. Now I realize this was her pain leaking out onto me but at the time it made me feel like I had to disown part/s of myself. It was like asking a Dalmatian puppy to take off their spots! It wasn't my fault that I was like him, he is my Dad! If she didn't want me to be like him, then in my opinion, she should have made a different choice in who my father was.
Conversely, I experienced physical world abandonment by my father. When my parents separated he just sort of disappeared from my life other than occasional visits and 100 cheque in the mail for my birthdays and Christmases. This meant nothing to my 4 year old self though, she wanted her Dad not money. I don't have much memory of when we were altogether as a family but I feel like he probably recognized and supported the part of me that my mum doesn't but then he was unstable financially and always in and out of different jobs so unable to take care of me in ways my mum could. As a result, I couldn't be fully seen or taken care of by either. Both of them had a void of something and I essentially had half of my self with either side. Long story short, I had a rejection wound on one side and an abandonment wound on the other side. Which then impacted me in not being able to be whole or fully myself with either of them and feeling fragmented within myself. I now realize that, my ability to fully own myself shouldn't be determined by anyone or anything external but at such a young age, when I was dependent on people outside of me for my survival and meeting my basic needs I learned how to compromise aspects of myself to experience love, acceptance, approval, support etc.
Flash forward to my adult life I have had a constant struggle in being able to be fully fulfilled in my work and relationships. I believe this comes from this original wound that created a split within myself and making me feel like I couldn't be whole with either the external masculine or feminine or have them working together within me. I had to effectively reject my physical needs to connect with the masculine or reject my soul/spirit to be taken care of by the feminine. This is essentially what has played out with my work, where I always felt like I had to compromise my spirit in some way to make money to meet my survival needs but spiritually felt drained by that type of work. I used to always feel like I was already in a deficit when I arrived to these work places rather than being nourished like I am with this work that I do now. Even in the expenditure of energy into it I am simultaneously receiving, before money is even a thought or element of it. Secondly in my relationships, I seemed to always be attracting one type of man that would be interested in me and that would be physically available to me, to some degree, meet my emotional needs and connect or desire to connect with me at a physical level but my heart was always chasing someone else. This type has shown up in multiple forms throughout my life and I always ended up chasing him and/or frustratingly, there was always another woman. Why wouldn't he choose me? Why was he always unavailable to me? What was wrong with me? Couldn't the wife or girlfriend just f**k off I would ruminate in my mind.
And then came the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, as they say, in 2015. Everything I have spent my whole life looking for all rolled up into a nice human package standing infront of me dazzling me 😆. Pretty sure my heart literally leapt out of my chest at him (I wonder when I'll get that back 🤔). I share my full story in my book but long story short he smashed my heart into a million pieces and then proceeded to assist me from a distance in repairing it and restoring it back to its original form. I write this with tears in my eyes because it's still so raw even after all this time and also cause I couldn't be more grateful now. In not giving me him he gave me ME back. Pulled me apart, examined how I worked and then put me back together better, restored as the diamond I was to begin with...just like he used to do with objects 😉 Of course, I don't mean to say the credit is all his, I have done my fair share of deep soul searching and had one two many gut wrenching cries on the bathroom floor pleading with God to free me from this inner turmoil as well. But yea, team work makes the dream work hey 🙌
What did I feel back then and who am I looking for?
I felt frustrated and confused, between the proverbial rock and a hard place, fighting between my authentic self and authentic desires and trying to get my survival needs met and receive emotional support/fulfillment, in both work and relationships. Desperately seeking to be true to me and live a life that felt like my own. I wanted to belong in my own skin and doing work that nourished me and I wanted to be with the partner that checks all the boxes, not someone who kinda, sorta, maybe made me happy and then end up trying to make him into what I really wanted or getting into relationships that had this inescapable, lingering air of 'something is missing'. I wanted it all! And hell I deserve to receive it all and SO DO YOU!!
(Sidenote, my 5 cents of relationship advice, don't fall in love with someone's potential, love yourself enough to choose the man or woman who IS what you want in the present, even if they have the capacity to be more or you see a greater potential, or wait but don't WAIT for him/her and stay single until you can attract that)
I am essentially looking for me 7 years ago and I am here to guide you on how to untangle yourself from that mess, how to become higher self embodied and whole within yourself again and then a match to who and what is a match to THAT. Aligned with the man or woman that you authentically desire, who will come towards you rather than you having to chase connection with them (you are running the wrong way to receive it 😉) and living your life on purpose, doing work that fulfills you on a soul level and makes you feel truly alive and of authentic service to the world!
In conclusion
What began as a negative experience and probably one of the greatest traumas I have experienced in this life, has actually become one of the greatest gifts. The struggle with fully being able to own myself with my mum, the physical void of my father/my inner masculine and the perpetual seeking of connection with it externally in my relationships or desired relationships has been the perfect real world, real life training ground for my soul's work. Between the intensive healing work and mental gymnastics I have done over the past 7 years trying to free myself and actually living through these experiences themselves, I feel like I am quite the scholar on the self and relationships now! No more lessons universe!!! 🙏 The PHD letters after my name are invisible but they are there 😉
These experiences and struggles have given me the raw material to be able to assist people now in reconciling the fragmentation within the self, repairing their inner twin flame connection and exchange and recalibrating to who they were to begin with, from the direct experience of having to learn how to do this myself. Not to toot my own horn, but I have always found those people to be the most powerful in being able to assist on the depth required to resolve things like these as well. Over my journey I have always gravitated to those people, the people that have either been where I am in that present moment and expressed that and/or have evidently felt what I am feeling ahead of those that have learned what to do and how to heal yourself from a book or a course or something but haven't actually lived it. I have never been an addict but its like I would make a beeline for the recovered addict to help me heal rather than someone who has learned all about what addicts need in order to heal. I have always felt, probably unconsciously at times, if you haven't been in my shoes then there is a limit to how deeply you can meet me in my problem.
I cannot tell you how much better and freer I feel today than 7 years ago and I notice more and more, the type of man and relationship I desire coming towards me. It hasn't fully landed in the physical world yet but I no longer feel that void and desperate yearning for it that I used to feel. I also now recognize that I wasn't ready for what I said I wanted back then either, I huffed and puffed about how he wasn't available to me but I wasn't fully open and available to this man/these men I desired either, even though I wanted to be.
I can't wait to work with you, support and guide you and then see you free yourself from the shackles of things that have kept you imprisoned within yourself and your life and not receiving and experiencing the people and things you authentically desire. I truly believe that it all starts with you, and to echo Louise Hay, heal yourself and you will heal your life experience 💓
Much love, Cheryl Louise x
